intention

8 years from now

i have completed training and certification in massage therapy

i provide massage therapy as part-time work, and i love doing it

i have mastered the art of creating healthful, whole-foods desserts and baked goods and am producing and distributing food made with love and joy, under the business name 'a real treat'

this is a total, full, complete possibility

it's interesting to lays things out like that...let's see if i can stay interested, curious, active.

yoga off the mat, anyone?

eruption

so, in a rare occurence, i recently became vulnerable in front of someone other than my Love or a family member. the timing was simultaneously odd, surprising, and totally logical. i teetered on that crumbly, high-altitude edge where sanity is questioned and doom breathes heavy down the neck. unlike times past when such a thing has happened, i almost instantly felt lighter. rather than falling into the abyss, rather than getting swallowed by it all, i purged what had been ailing me. i was honest, i cried, i was alternately articulate and inarticulate, and i kept talking in all instances. i said the things that i was afraid to say, right down to, "i'm sorry i'm not looking you in the eyes." and i even looked her in the eyes.

by the time we completed our journey (the talk paralleled, of course, a walk which acted as a physical mirror-manifestation of the conversational content), exhaustion had gripped me. relief and fear grappled for the upper hand inside of me. i considered napping, tried to really listen to what my body and my subtle body whispered of their needs...had a hard time hearing, as my brain prattled on loudly. finally, i let go enough to follow through on what i needed, even without consciously hearing those whispers. and peace rolled in, followed shortly after by joy and lightness. the remainder of my weekend was a true celebration. my lone voice rose with the campfire smoke, singing a favorite song played on the guitar by expert hands, just for me. no alcohol was consumed. i lay on a kitchen floor with someone around whom i generally don my most fortified armor and laughed tears into my eyes and breath completely out of my lungs. we both laughed like that.

these events are typical for many people. common. taken for granted.

for me, this was revelation. this was a layer of petals unfurled in my tight lotus-bud heart. this marked a shift deep inside. certainly i am not a changed woman, but i am changing. for this i am thankful.

tear in the fabric

or so it feels. there's only so long one can ignore, dance around, and pile up sticks to stem a tide creeping up. amazing how *those* conversations, the ones in which you find the right words and express what you wished you could say all along, the ones that make all parties feel better somehow, are often the ones that spell out the end as well. on their heels comes regret, that these truths couldn't have been spoken before so much damage was inflicted.

here i sit, delicately removing clumps of earth tangled in the roots of this living thing dangling from my hands. holding this lovely, broken, expiring thing, clearing away the dirt, wanting to examine the system that both fed and destroyed it. trying to do all of this without overanalyzing.

dilating

another rush of awareness, of sensation, of fear. another chance to feel it all, to look at it from one step back. taking the chance rather than escaping into self pity, defeatism, blame. i ride through all of the discomfort and raw pain, coming out on the other side with a few clear, crystalized pieces to share. the process of allowing, of feeling what is there rather than smothering it with other (seemingly equally painful) thoughts facilitates an honest discussion.

this is not a fix, just a small awakening. but it adds fuel to the fire, gives me a touchstone to use as i navigate daily experiences in which a choice must be made between being honest and hiding, between feeling something and covering it over with something else.

this really is work. it is cultivation. much as i've been enamored with a vision of gardening that was oversimplified and am now feeling my way through the more challenging and gritty reality of getting plants to grow and bear fruit, i've been enamored with the idea of personal transformation and growth but not quite understood the intensity of the undertaking. stepping further out, submerging inch by inch, the depth and dedication of effort required is becoming clearer. surely all of this will be well worth the sometimes strenuous and dirty work.

the nitty gritty

the past few weeks have brought both pain and relief...often in the same moment. some things have been brought to my attention -- nothing new, really, but known things made clearer. distilled lessons so potent that they really burned going down. my eyes watered as i swallowed. now i am metabolizing, and the effects are interesting. my best efforts are devoted to riding the waves without reacting in the same old ways. i don't want to lose it this time...that spark of recognition, that catalyzing shot of energy that sometimes comes with painful and confusing experiences. i teeter, doing what i can to absorb this lesson, to remain at the center of it all.

big, bad world

i feel so naked out here, on this empty black screen. so far away from the cozy nook i'd created for myself elsewhere on the net.

maybe that is a good thing.