eruption

so, in a rare occurence, i recently became vulnerable in front of someone other than my Love or a family member. the timing was simultaneously odd, surprising, and totally logical. i teetered on that crumbly, high-altitude edge where sanity is questioned and doom breathes heavy down the neck. unlike times past when such a thing has happened, i almost instantly felt lighter. rather than falling into the abyss, rather than getting swallowed by it all, i purged what had been ailing me. i was honest, i cried, i was alternately articulate and inarticulate, and i kept talking in all instances. i said the things that i was afraid to say, right down to, "i'm sorry i'm not looking you in the eyes." and i even looked her in the eyes.

by the time we completed our journey (the talk paralleled, of course, a walk which acted as a physical mirror-manifestation of the conversational content), exhaustion had gripped me. relief and fear grappled for the upper hand inside of me. i considered napping, tried to really listen to what my body and my subtle body whispered of their needs...had a hard time hearing, as my brain prattled on loudly. finally, i let go enough to follow through on what i needed, even without consciously hearing those whispers. and peace rolled in, followed shortly after by joy and lightness. the remainder of my weekend was a true celebration. my lone voice rose with the campfire smoke, singing a favorite song played on the guitar by expert hands, just for me. no alcohol was consumed. i lay on a kitchen floor with someone around whom i generally don my most fortified armor and laughed tears into my eyes and breath completely out of my lungs. we both laughed like that.

these events are typical for many people. common. taken for granted.

for me, this was revelation. this was a layer of petals unfurled in my tight lotus-bud heart. this marked a shift deep inside. certainly i am not a changed woman, but i am changing. for this i am thankful.