tear in the fabric

or so it feels. there's only so long one can ignore, dance around, and pile up sticks to stem a tide creeping up. amazing how *those* conversations, the ones in which you find the right words and express what you wished you could say all along, the ones that make all parties feel better somehow, are often the ones that spell out the end as well. on their heels comes regret, that these truths couldn't have been spoken before so much damage was inflicted.

here i sit, delicately removing clumps of earth tangled in the roots of this living thing dangling from my hands. holding this lovely, broken, expiring thing, clearing away the dirt, wanting to examine the system that both fed and destroyed it. trying to do all of this without overanalyzing.

dilating

another rush of awareness, of sensation, of fear. another chance to feel it all, to look at it from one step back. taking the chance rather than escaping into self pity, defeatism, blame. i ride through all of the discomfort and raw pain, coming out on the other side with a few clear, crystalized pieces to share. the process of allowing, of feeling what is there rather than smothering it with other (seemingly equally painful) thoughts facilitates an honest discussion.

this is not a fix, just a small awakening. but it adds fuel to the fire, gives me a touchstone to use as i navigate daily experiences in which a choice must be made between being honest and hiding, between feeling something and covering it over with something else.

this really is work. it is cultivation. much as i've been enamored with a vision of gardening that was oversimplified and am now feeling my way through the more challenging and gritty reality of getting plants to grow and bear fruit, i've been enamored with the idea of personal transformation and growth but not quite understood the intensity of the undertaking. stepping further out, submerging inch by inch, the depth and dedication of effort required is becoming clearer. surely all of this will be well worth the sometimes strenuous and dirty work.

the nitty gritty

the past few weeks have brought both pain and relief...often in the same moment. some things have been brought to my attention -- nothing new, really, but known things made clearer. distilled lessons so potent that they really burned going down. my eyes watered as i swallowed. now i am metabolizing, and the effects are interesting. my best efforts are devoted to riding the waves without reacting in the same old ways. i don't want to lose it this time...that spark of recognition, that catalyzing shot of energy that sometimes comes with painful and confusing experiences. i teeter, doing what i can to absorb this lesson, to remain at the center of it all.

big, bad world

i feel so naked out here, on this empty black screen. so far away from the cozy nook i'd created for myself elsewhere on the net.

maybe that is a good thing.