dilating

another rush of awareness, of sensation, of fear. another chance to feel it all, to look at it from one step back. taking the chance rather than escaping into self pity, defeatism, blame. i ride through all of the discomfort and raw pain, coming out on the other side with a few clear, crystalized pieces to share. the process of allowing, of feeling what is there rather than smothering it with other (seemingly equally painful) thoughts facilitates an honest discussion.

this is not a fix, just a small awakening. but it adds fuel to the fire, gives me a touchstone to use as i navigate daily experiences in which a choice must be made between being honest and hiding, between feeling something and covering it over with something else.

this really is work. it is cultivation. much as i've been enamored with a vision of gardening that was oversimplified and am now feeling my way through the more challenging and gritty reality of getting plants to grow and bear fruit, i've been enamored with the idea of personal transformation and growth but not quite understood the intensity of the undertaking. stepping further out, submerging inch by inch, the depth and dedication of effort required is becoming clearer. surely all of this will be well worth the sometimes strenuous and dirty work.